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It's 2017 and my eyes are glued to the screen where I'm consciously seeing things for the first time that my mind has probably just pushed away. I see these images of animals being tortured, abused, used and killed. I feel a tightening in my chest, my body tenses up, my head stings and I realise how nauseous I feel.
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I can't look away. And yet I realise how looking destroys something in me. Deep inside me, it destroys something that is so fundamental to our well-being and a healthy psyche. It is the deep belief in the good in people and in this world. It is bursting like a soap bubble in front of my eyes with these images. Pop. Gone.
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What I see people doing to animals is disgusting and abhorrent. And then I realise how other feelings arise in me. Despair, anger, sadness and yes - loathing and hatred. How can we do this? What fucking right do we have to do all these things to all these creatures???
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We lock them up. Rob them of their freedom. Rob them of their dignity. Rape them so they can have babies, which we take away from them straight away. Because we want their milk. Or the oh-so-tender baby meat. We shred male chicks alive because they don't lay eggs and only cost us money. We castrate piglets while they are fully conscious because the meat tastes better. Because it tastes better - really?!? And as if that's not enough, all the people who work in this 'industry' are also in extremely undignified circumstances and traumatising environments with barbaric practices.
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The realisation of what is really behind the "animal industry" completely takes my breath away. I can't take any more. I break down and the tears run. Without interruption. My body is shaking and I feel like I've lost it. I don't know what to do with myself and everything that's just bursting over me inside. It tears me apart and pulls the rug completely out from under my feet.
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And what follows is difficult for me to put into words. I became more and more aware of all the connections in the "animal industry" and the effects on our health and our planet. Watching documentary after documentary. Read book after book. Article after article. Study after study. And my emotions go crazy. My thoughts are racing. My anger and condemnation grows ever greater towards all those who simply carry on as before. Because it tastes good. And because it's easy.
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My life is hell because all I see everywhere is violence towards animals, exploitation, the completely selfish behaviour of us humans without thinking one step beyond our own interests. I no longer sleep properly, I feel powerless in the face of all the violence in the world and I'm withdrawing more and more from other people. I no longer know how to deal with them. And I can't help but see and judge omnivorous people as ignorant murderers.
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Looking back, I realise that I suffered a deep trauma. In psychology, this is called secondary post-traumatic stress syndrome. We witness violence and injustice on the outside and are unable to do anything about it. This experience can lead to anything from sadness to severe depression. There are many reasons for this - one of them is, for example, that we feel we are losing our (self-)efficacy. Because that is the perfidious thing about this carnal system - it is normal and permitted in our society for all these acts of violence to be carried out against animals. But if we feel empathically, we realise that it should be anything but normal and permitted.
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Then came the moment that changed everything: I knew that things couldn't go on like this. I no longer wanted to live like this. I made an inner decision that something had to change in my life. I wanted to be happy again. Find inner peace. Find inner peace. This was followed by many hours of arguing on the outside, but above all of inner confrontation with myself and the search for my truth. I opened myself up to new knowledge, understood more and more what my energy was all about and learnt what really causes pain within me and how I can empower myself and make sure I let go of it and be happy again.
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It took 2 years before I was stable enough inside to see the good things in life again. That I am happy. And that I realised that I can be happy despite all the suffering out there in the world. Because I realised that being unhappy, sad, hurt and suffering doesn't help anyone and especially not the animals. On the contrary - then I am simply in an extremely low state of energy and also increase the suffering in this world instead of reducing it.
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Today I know why I am here on this earth at this time with all this experience and I am grateful for it from the bottom of my heart. The vegan Weltschmerz - as I like to call this deep hole - has led to me finding myself on a whole new level. Through this deep hole, I have gained insights that have blown my consciousness wide open.
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Today I know that I am not my thoughts and feelings, but that I have them. And that I can decide whether I react. Or not. This is the inner freedom and inner peace that I have been searching for for so long.
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And what has emerged from this inner healing makes me feel humble and quiet. I was able to get to know people who I call my soulmates. I have the feeling that I am deeply connected to all these wonderful souls. I have witnessed things come into the world through us that I would never have dreamed of a few years ago. My reality is no longer the same as it was 3 years ago. I am no longer the same as I was 3 years ago.
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And I know that this world is in the process of finding itself, letting go of the old and allowing the new to emerge. I am here to contribute to this new awareness and to help people heal the vegan world-weariness within themselves and then go out full of love, strength, power and courage and make this world a more beautiful place for us all.
Thank you for being here and for joining us on this journey.
It is those who think differently who are creating a new normal.
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In deep humility,
Your Katinka
In deep humility,
Your Katinka
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